Social Caterpillar School: Social Emotional Learning (SEL) for Adults

The other night, I spent hours crafting a blog post entitled How do you turn acquaintances into friends?: A Guide for Social Caterpillars, and I realized today that it was a great start to introducing the idea of Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) for adults. This is one of the key concepts of my master's program in Human Development, Learning, and Culture at UBC, and I even will be taking a Social Emotional Learning (SEL) Practicum ("in a college or university) the part of a course consisting of practical work in a particular field" according to Dictionary.com Unabridged) this fall semester.

So just what is this notion of SEL? Well, I found a suitable introduction on the webpage "What is Social and Emotional Learning" from Project EXSEL at the Teachers College, Columbia University. My very brief additions that pertain to us adults are in square brackets.

A Definition of Social and Emotional Learning

Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) is the educational process that leads to the development of emotional intelligence - that is, the process by which we become better at understanding and managing our emotions AND learning how they impact the choices we make, the relationships we have and our outlook in life. It refers to the acquisition of the understandings and specific skills that are at the heart of a child's [and adult's] academic, personal, social and civic development.

Social and emotional learning is critical not only for success in school [and work], but also in life. SEL enables individuals to recognize and manage emotions, understand their personal values, develop caring and concern for others, make responsible decisions, establish and maintain positive relationships and handle challenging situations effectively.

Research has shown that people with social and emotional competence are most likely to succeed academically, have a sense of well-being in their personal lives and act as contributors to their communities. They know what their strengths and challenges are, and are optimistic about the future, have meaningful relationships and are happy with their work lives. They are able to set and achieve goals and solve problems effectively. They are able to empathize with and show respect for others, appreciate diversity, and, live in accordance with their values, making positive contributions to their communities.

Have I piqued your interest? If so, here is part of the About.com article on Emotional Intelligence in the Adult/ Continuing Education section.

Emotional Intelligence

From Ron Gross

As defined and stirringly delineated by Daniel Goleman in his books Emotional Intelligence and Working with Emotional Intelligence, EI can help us fulfill our hardy tradition of empowering adults.

Your Emotional Intelligence can matter more than your IQ, for your happiness and success.

And, contrary to what many people believe, this capacity can be nurtured and cultivated. "Emotional learning is lifelong," declares Goleman.

Just consider how much your capacity to deal productively with your feelings -- empathy, enthusiasm, anxiety -- affect these aspects of your life:

Health -- do you stay in touch with your emotions, and use them to maintain good morale...or do you let suppressed or denied feelings express themselves in medical symptoms?

Coping -- do you have a large supportive network of friends and colleagues with whom you share opportunities, problems, and information...or are you suffering from the "go-it-alone" syndrome?

Relationships -- do you deal well with the feelings between you and your companions, partners, friends, children, significant others... or are you defensive, impulsive, or uncaring?

There are five components of Emotional Intelligence:

1. Self-awareness -- knowing what you are feeling, and using your awareness to make good decisions.

2. Handling Your Emotions -- keeping yourself in good spirits, coping with anxiety, handling anger.

3. Self-Motivation -- persistence and zeal; getting yourself started and keeping yourself going, even in the face of set-backs and discouragement.

4. Empathy -- reading people's feelings without them telling you.

5. Social Skills -- handling your emotions in relationships.

---

If you'd like to learn more about this subject, just let me know.

Good luck caterpillars!

How do you turn acquaintances into friends?: A Guide for Social Caterpillars

I haven't posted for a month because I've been focusing on others things, and frankly blogging just didn't feel right. But now that I am in California in order to attend a wedding and to visit my folks, I feel like posting to my blog. Perhaps it's because I am in my childhood home - in the same room that I spent many late nights writing or drawing in my notebooks, making mix tapes (which I called "mixed tapes"), and waiting for my parents to be sound asleep so I could sneak out to roam around town with my other nocturnal friends.

Anyhoo (as I like to say), the issue of how one goes about turning acquaintances into friends has been on my mind recently so I did some Google searching and here are some helpful tidbits:

---

Question and Answers on 43 Things.com entitled "How do you go from being acquaintances to being friends?"

Well, you could invite these people out for a pizza, or a drink somewhere. Not necessary that you have to drink alcohol, unless you do, but if you just tell them how about going here for a drink. Or you could ask on of them, “where did you get those shoes? or pants? or purse?” Then when they mention the particular store, you tell them you like it and would love to go shopping with them sometime. All you need is a lead in and then invite them or invite yourself to go. Somtimes (sic)*, just from having lunch with someone can lead to this fairly easy.

I find once you find out a similar common thing that everyone likes to do and if you enjoy doing the same thing, then you will get invited or they will accept your invitation.

Another thing you could have with the girls, is a movie night, or a play (this always comes up) or something like a trip to a book store. Share some common interests with people and you will be fine.

As for graduate students like me, instead of asking about the shoes or purse, perhaps one could inquire about the acquaintance's favourite casual restaurants and then tell them that you would love to go with them sometime. I bet this works exceptionally well if you are a foodie ("amateurs who simply love food for consumption, study, preparation, and news" according to Wikipedia's entry) like me.

---

Another important aspect of turning acquaintances into friends seems to be self-disclosure and eliciting self-disclosure. Well, according to what looks like an online supplement for a Social Psychology textbook by Psychology Press

Self-disclosure is the act of sharing facts, inner thoughts, feelings, and emotions about one's life and situation. Depth (level of intimacy) and breadth (range of topics) increase as relationships develop.

Effects of self-disclosure

Self-disclosure leads to more liking and deeper relationships because it signals trust, and because knowing each other's abilities, preferences, and needs leads to easier coordination of mutual activities and more understanding.

Self-disclosures are often exchanged in relationships; the norm of reciprocity is at work. However, when people disclose more than is appropriate, it makes others feel uncomfortable.

There is a strong gender difference in self-disclosure; women disclose more than men, especially in a same-sex relationship. In addition, men's disclosures often reflect an effort to deepen the relationship, while women's disclosures reflect their feelings about the relationship.

Regarding self-disclosure, I often feel like I over-share, which Urban Dictionary defines as "An over share is when a person over informs you on the subject of conversation. [T]his is usually in relation to personal or intimate topics." Sometimes I have really fruitful conversations, but many times I end up kicking myself for trying to draw acquaintances into really deep or wide-ranging conversations.

Recently, I fear I have been disclosing too much, too soon, too rapidly about my background and experience in various areas. It's like I'm trying to pack in dozens of work-place or study-session interactions into one conversation. Perhaps it is the lack of such interactions with my current acquaintances. Or perhaps I strongly feel the need to befriend more people so I can enjoy life more and feel like I am contributing more to others' lives in ways that, well, friends do.

---

I realized that something else I struggle with is self-confidence. Earlier this week I played Ultimate (Frisbee) for my first time by being a sub with the Vancouver Ultimate League team Superfriends. Although I ended having tons of fun, I realized my lack of self-confidence was very obvious and was quite annoying to me and maybe for others as well.

I also noticed that my self-consciousness ("embarrassment deriving from the feeling that others are critically aware of you" according to Wordnet on Dictionary.com) and self-depreciation ("a feeling of being of little worth" according to Wordnet on Dictionary.com) were the highest in the beginning and faded as I got into the rhythm and spirit of the game. But I still feel that I need to build that ol' self-confidence if I want to build friends from acquaintances.

So what's a girl to do? Well, she can start reading wikiHow articles on how to build self-confidence, one of which I actually found quite insightful. Also, this wikiHow article entitled "How to Be Fun to Be With" is simple, yet a good reminder for those of us who aren't social butterflies. In fact, I'm more like a social caterpillar - getting along well at some times but not others; sort of odd-looking and often pre-occupied; and sometimes considered a pest.

I Googled "social caterpillar" after I thought of it, and someone on Everything2.com had a similar idea but was much more disparaging than me:

The social-caterpillar either prefers to be left completely alone chewing [his or her] thoughts or else others prefer to leave [him or her] completely alone chewing [his or her] thoughts. Though there does tend to be some interaction with other social-caterpillars. Sometimes friendships even arise out of this but one knows that these friendships will never actually come to anything, because well, they lack the wings to leave the ground.

Contrarily, I don't think social caterpillars always prefer solitary ruminations ("The act of pondering; meditation" and literally "The act or process of chewing cud" according to American Heritage Dictionary on Dictionary.com). And I certainly don't think social caterpillars are doomed to a life without friends.

If worse comes to worse, I can always look into an "emotional social intelligence prosthetic" device hopefully still being developed at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). Celeste Biever reported in March 2006 on NewScientist.com:

[A device] that can pick up on people's emotions is being developed to help people with autism relate to those around them. It will alert its autistic user if the person they are talking to starts showing signs of getting bored or annoyed.

One of the problems facing people with autism is an inability to pick up on social cues. Failure to notice that they are boring or confusing their listeners can be particularly damaging, says Rana El Kaliouby of the Media Lab at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "It's sad because people then avoid having conversations with them."

The "emotional social intelligence prosthetic" device, which El Kaliouby is constructing along with MIT colleagues Rosalind Picard and Alea Teeters, consists of a camera small enough to be pinned to the side of a pair of glasses, connected to a hand-held computer running image recognition software plus software that can read the emotions these images show. If the wearer seems to be failing to engage his or her listener, the software makes the hand-held computer vibrate.

Until then, this social caterpillar will need to work on her organic social emotional intelligence in order to turn acquaintances into friends.

---

*"so; thus: usually written parenthetically to denote that a word, phrase, passage, etc., that may appear strange or incorrect has been written intentionally or has been quoted verbatim"

sic. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved July 07, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sic

"Thus; so. Used to indicate that a quoted passage, especially one containing an error or unconventional spelling, has been retained in its original form or written intentionally."

sic. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved July 07, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sic